


No-One Will Save You Now

by Fluffysminion



Series: Lost in a Dream of Mirrors [5]
Category: Warhammer 40.000
Genre: Cannibalism, Dark Heresy - Freeform, Gore, Mutation Stage: Two, Penumbra (demon world), The Tall and the Smalls, The Worst Lion King
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:42:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21819130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fluffysminion/pseuds/Fluffysminion
Summary: Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same...
Series: Lost in a Dream of Mirrors [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1844359
Kudos: 1





	1. The Firebird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Faced with the prospect of fighting a Greater Demon, Jaspar decides that actuall he'd rather not, if you don't mind.

The demonic bird of flame screeches, a sound that has more in common with the hiss of steam escaping a burning log than a raptor’s cry. Jaspar, Nikota and Karger are taking shelter in one of the few buildings it passed over without setting alight, but the other acolytes are out there protecting Genevieve from the demon that has been stalking her for her entire life. Jaspar knows he should be out there too. She’s a good friend, and as a psyker she is his responsibility. He should be out there, but instead he is huddled under a table with the non-combatants, trying to guess how the fight is going from the screaming. He wants to help, but he’s exhausted, starving, and terrified. His legs don’t want to support his weight and he’s dizzy enough that he’s worried he’ll pass out if he stands up.

So he crawls. As he approaches the window he hauls himself to his feet, leaning on the furniture for support as he stumbles to a position where he can see the demon. It’s a mistake. The street outside glows red and gold, the glass fronts of the buildings all reflecting images of the fire in the shape of a bird. The demon is too bright to look at directly, even avoiding that it is painfully bright and burns afterimages that move with a life of their own. He watches it tear through the front of a building, glass and metal becoming molten as it passes through. There is a terrible human scream of rage and pain. Female, Elizabeth? He wonders if her flesh tastes as good as her blood. He throws up.

And brings up nothing but ash. He retches a couple more times, but there’s nothing else coming. No sign of the food he’d been forcing himself to swallow, nothing left but ashes. It was only conformation of what he had really known for a while. But he hadn’t realised how much importance he had attached to that bit of doubt, that bit of hope that he might be mistaken. Everything tasted like ash, everything but the blood. He thinks again of the scream, and the fact that the others are out there now, wounded, bleeding.

“We have to go.” There’s no help he can offer if he’s unable to even look at the thing they’re fighting. There’s no benefit to him staying. Only danger. Let them think it is cowardice. It’s still more flattering than the truth.

Nikota emerges first, Karger follows hesitantly after. They look concerned as well as scared, but if either of them thought there was anything odd about his behaviour they don’t mention it. Together they slip out onto the cobbled streets. And they run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only thing worse than being cooked by a fire demon is being caught eating your friends who got cooked by the fire demon


	2. A Different Kind of Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Away from the demon is not out of danger, for the very nature of Penubra is hostile to human souls.

The light and sounds of battle fade quickly. After the first turning Jaspar is aware of little beyond the beating of his heart and the impact of his feet on the cobbles. Already gasping for breath he drags them down an alleyway; along another street. His pace is slowing, he’s starting to stumble on the rough ground, and his legs and lungs are screaming in protest. He’s tired, so tired. But there’s no telling how far they need to go before they are out of immediate danger. And he has to protect Nikota and Karger. Ignoring his body’s insistence that it has nothing more to give he pushes onward, breaking back into a run.

Then Nikota falls. Jaspar isn’t sure what happened, but all that matters is that she’s hurt. He collapses beside her, legs giving way the second he stops commanding them not to. But he’s no longer aware of anything other than the child on the ground before him. He gently cradles her head, she’s moving, conscious but confused and in pain. His hands are sticky with her blood, it’s soaking into her hair but he can’t see the wound. He doesn’t know how bad it is, doesn’t know how to tell, doesn’t know what to do. All he is sure of is that there’s blood there’s blood there’s blood-

And he’s licking it like some kind of animal but he doesn’t care. His mouth is full of blood not ash, the taste is instantly familiar from all the times he’d cut his lip or bitten his tongue. He can taste it and it doesn’t catch in the back of his throat when he swallows and he’s starving. Soon there’s no more on her head or his hands and he’s relieved because that means the wound can’t be that bad and she might be ok. But with the taste of something his body recognises as food his hunger has changed from an awareness that something must be done to an urgent, pressing need. A few mouthfuls of blood are not enough, not after he’s gone without for so long.

The conflicting desires paralyse him, and while he fights with himself Karger cautiously takes her away from him. She does not resist, does not protest that she’s fine and doesn’t need looking after. “I wasn’t going to-“ he can’t bring himself to finish the thought, let alone say it aloud. But Karger is too concerned with his niece to pay any attention to what Jaspar might be trying to say.

“Are you hurt? Are you alright?” He can see that she is hurt, and that she is very much not alright. But it’s what you say to someone who has been injured and falling back on his training is going to help her more than panicking about what he just did. Even if very little of it applies here. “Do you think you can walk?” He almost tells her that he’s going to take her to a medicae, but then he remembers where they are. There are no heroes here, only monsters and their victims.

Nikota shakes her head weakly. She’s still lying limp where she fell. “T’hurts. I dun’t feel gud.” Jaspar reaches over and brushes the hair from her face. She feels hot, is she sick? Or is he just overreacting? He looks to Karger for support, but for once Karger looks just as much at a loss as he is.

“We have to go back.” He hates to admit it but he doesn’t think there is a better option. “Pear can help her; he can heal anything. He’ll know what to do.” He doesn’t know if Pear will be in a state where he’ll be able to do much helping, or if he’d even be willing to. But there is a chance that he could help and that’s better than any of the other options he can think of. Please let me find him. With no idea what he’s doing he picks a direction and hopes.

They move slowly. Karger carries her first but it’s not long before Jaspar has to take over. He struggles to keep her steady as he walks; she feels so fragile in his arms. She’s nothing but skin and bone but so is he, and there’s hardly any strength left in him. There’s no sign of the fire, of Petriv or Titus or anyone at all. He’s tired and aching and desperate and hungry and he wants to scream at the world that they can’t take her from him but he knows he is small and powerless and he’s scared of attracting attention.

They pass her between them a few more times, neither wanting to be the one to give up. But it’s very clear to both of them that they’re not getting anywhere. And Nikota’s only getting worse. So there’s no argument when Karger does finally suggest that they stop and rest. They take shelter in a house that’s more metal than glass, laying Nikota on the rug in the front room. They’re both too shattered to try taking her deeper into the house. Despite how worried he is about her Jaspar falls back against one of the excessively tasselled armchairs and closes his eyes.

A scratching sound rouses him from the sleep-like state he’d slipped into. It builds, getting louder and spreading until it seems to be coming from everywhere at once. Both Jaspar and Karger spring to their feet, fear driving them more effectively than willpower. Jaspar spots the first rat emerging from a crack in the wall. More follow, pouring out of the walls, the floor. They are all identical, symmetrical, with thick round bodies covered in smooth shiny fur. They are heading for Nikota. Jaspar and Karger desperately try to keep them away from her but it’s futile. The rats are too fast, too small and agile to be caught by human hands. They flow around them-

And into Nikota. Rats pour into her mouth, sometimes two or three at a time, in a way that shouldn’t be possible. Colour starts to return to her pale skin, spreading from her face across her body as the rats crawl in. Then there are none left, and her breathing returns to normal and she looks as if she is merely sleeping. She sits up and opens her eyes; they are solid black, like the eyes of the rats she swallowed.

“Nikota, your eyes… they’re black” He doesn’t understand at all what just happened. Or how to tell her, if he even needs to. But her eyes changing colour – that’s a mutation. One that will mean she’ll never be accepted in imperial society, no matter how earnestly she prays or how well they lie. Mutations are a sign of sin, evidence of blemishes on the soul. But he’s seen nothing but kindness and innocence in her actions. Her only crime was being born in a place far from the Emperor’s light.

“Oh” she puts her hands over her face and feels her eyelids “t’s alright, ther not like snails or sumthin.” She stands and takes a few experimental steps, Karger is at her shoulder to catch her but there’s no need. Whatever was wrong with her seems to have passed as quickly as it arrived.

Jaspar smiles. “No, nothing like that.” She looks different, but she’s still Nikota. He still loves her. The relief is the best feeling in the world, he’d thought he’d lost her but she’s here, alive. So what if the imperium was no longer an option. He’ll find a place where she can be happy, where they all can be happy. She deserves better than Penumbra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the one hand his child being now made of rats is quite viscerally upsetting, but at least now she looks less like food.


	3. No Lion Can Live On Bugs Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaspar tries to return to life with his family, but with Nikota's mutation the changes happening within himself are getting harder to ignore.

Immediate panic over Jaspar slumps into the nearest armchair, which is less comfortable than he might have hoped as his armour slips out of position. He has done his best to tighten it as much as possible, but he’s lost too much weight for it to fit him even when he’s wearing extra layers underneath. He pulls it back to where he thinks it ought to be and tries adjusting it once more, while trying not to listen to Nikota and Karger’s conversation. He feels they probably need some space after what’s happened, as much as that’s possible in a place where losing sight of someone means never seeing them again.

“Hey” Nikota is pulling on his arm, having mistaken his lack of attentiveness for sleep. “D’y’want t’go find sum food?” her black eyes shine, but he’s not sure exactly what they’re trying to express. He nods and smiles, despite the fact that no, he does not want to go back out there, and even thinking about eating the sorts of things they are likely to find makes him feel ill. What he wants is to not have to move, and to feel less dreadful. Or maybe some food he can actually eat. He stands. Maybe it won’t be so bad after all. There’ll be less time to think when he’s busy.

They walk the streets, speaking a little less than usual, standing a little closer. Things have changed, but also they have not. Jaspar spots movement alongside one of the houses, whatever it was is gone when they approach but Karger declares the plants growing there to be probably food. Jaspar notes that the leaves smell like poison and Nikota is proud of him for remembering that, then Karger shows him that under the ground the roots are swollen and explains that these are edible. They are obviously desirable because Nikota seems excited, but Jaspar is unable to work up any enthusiasm. It’s interesting, but it’s not food. Not for him.

Nikota helps Karger prepare them while Jaspar keeps watch. After the disasters of his first few attempts at cooking, they had all agreed that it was best if he didn’t try to get involved. He stares down the empty street dreading the part where they will try to get him to eat what they’ve made. He knows there’s no point. He doesn’t want to eat, but he’s so hungry.

“T’s dun!” Nikota grins and waves a bowl in his face, like everything else in this house it is covered in round fluffy rat faces, brightly coloured and excessively cheerful. “I did most’f it m’self this time.” His mouth waters, but not because of the bowl or its contents. He shakes his head, and pushes her hand away so it’s not quite so close to his face.

“You have it Nikota, you need it since you’ve not been well. It’ll help you regain your strength.” She’s not happy, and she is about to protest when he reaches out a hand to stop her. “Please. I know you feel better already, but I’ll worry otherwise. Please?” Please don’t make me eat that. He’s already feeling nauseous and he’s not sure he’d be able to keep it down.

She is suspicious and clearly unhappy about it, but she does pick up on how important it is to him and doesn’t fight any further. Karger is initially concerned, but after a while of nothing else unexpected happening he settles back down. Jaspar feels awful for deceiving them like this, but he doesn’t know how to tell them. How can he explain himself when he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with him? He tells himself he’s a coward, but he still says nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He tried saying Hakuna Matata, but the grubs were merely slimy and not at all satisfying.


	4. I Surrender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still starving, Jaspar goes looking for alternative sources of food.

When they set out again, he looks for food in different places to the others. Because this time he’s looking for something he can eat. While Nikota and Karger check between buildings and watch the shadows for signs of movement Jaspar is looking out in the open, checking every street they pass for signs of conflict. It’s easy to die in Penumbra, of starvation, of monsters, of other people; there must be bodies somewhere. If he searches for long enough he’ll find food. He doesn’t want to think about the alternatives.

But this time he doesn’t have to, because this time Penumbra provides. Ahead of them the street is scattered with dying fires and chunks of meat, the air is heavy with the smell of smoke and charred flesh. Jaspar doesn’t run, he’s not certain, doesn’t want to get his hopes up. But he walks quickly, trusting his family to follow as he scans the battle site for something that’s recognisably-

Human. There. Slumped in the doorway, someone recognisably from Shadowfall. One of the Axle, they look a lot like Tricc, the one who guided the inquisitorial team to Penumbra. His stomach growls and he drops to his knees beside the body. It’s badly burned and certainly looks dead, but he has to be sure. He reaches for the neck and tries to feel for a pulse. None. But the burns are sticky and the flesh slides and tears and clumps in ways that are really quite upsetting, and when he pulls his hands away he can’t tell if what’s coating them used to be blood or skin. He looks at the body again and has to admit to himself that he’s not entirely sure what he’s supposed to do next.

No point cleaning his hands yet, there isn’t really any part of the body he can grab hold of that isn’t covered in that stuff. He pulls one of the arms towards him, still not entirely believing what he’s doing, he closes his eyes and bites. It’s a lot harder than he expects, having gotten used to everything dissolving into powder in his mouth. But for the first time for a long time there is something solid between his teeth and he can taste it and that’s a miracle in itself. With a fair bit of effort he tears a chunk free and swallows it.

It’s good. Very good. He’s relieved. And HUNGRY. It’s as if his body is telling him that this is what he needs. More of this. Much more. He opens his eyes and the sight of his hands holding the burnt arm with the missing chunk of muscle horrifies him for a moment. But he’s really very hungry. He bites again, more aggressively this time.

“Jaspar?” He hears Nikota, can see her and Karger dimly out of the corner of his eye. But he’s scared to look round. He doesn’t want to see the look of horror on their faces, the fear and disgust in their eyes. He doesn’t want them to see him like this. He keeps worrying at the arm, trying to tear free another mouthful. Maybe they’ll run before I have to look at them. I’m sorry, I should have been stronger. I’m sorry. “Jaspar!” It’s louder, she’s closer. Both her and Karger have crouched down on the other side of the body so he has no choice but to look at them.

He swallows the bit of meat he’s managed to chew free. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I tried I really did. But I can taste it I can eat it, it doesn’t turn to ash. Like everything else. I think it’s food, for me.” He stares determinedly down at the body to avoid meeting their eyes, which only makes him feel worse. Part of him resents that they are forcing him to talk, when there’s food right there and he needs it so badly.

“Why didn’t y’say so lud?” That gets him to look up. Nikota and Karger are looking at him with concern? For him? He doesn’t understand. He’s crouched over a body and his hands and face are covered with blood, gore even. Can’t they see that he is a monster after all? He’s sufficiently shocked by their reaction that it takes a while for him to realise that he was asked a question.

“I – I –“ He’s still not sure what to say, but he does feel he owes them some sort of explanation. “I didn’t want it to be true. I don’t want to have to eat people. I wanted to be better than this. Better for you. I did-didn’t want to scare you away. I’m sorry.” He’s not quite crying, but it’s close enough that he goes to wipe his eyes anyway, and ends up smearing gore over even more of his face. He must look awful. And ridiculous.

But Karger is looking at him with the face he reserves for when Jaspar has missed the point in a particularly baffling way, and Nikota still just looks worried. “Y’still safe to be around?” He black eyes are wide with concern, maybe not all just for him.

He wants to reassure her, tell her that it will all be alright and that she’ll always be safe with him. But he doesn’t want to lie to her. He doesn’t understand what’s happening, and he’s practically vibrating with the effort of holding himself back so he can talk and containing the frustration that he could be doing something about his hunger but he isn’t. “I don’t know I don’t- I hope so. I really hope so.” The smell of the blood on his face is driving him mad but he doesn’t let himself lick his lips, worrying that they’ll see it as threatening.

“What’re we going to do now?” She doesn’t seem to have been too distressed by his honesty. She and Karger are still present, somehow. Why haven’t you run?

“I don’t know.” He really doesn’t. He’d tried not to think about this stage, or what would come after. And even when he had he’d never imagined there would be a we to worry about. At this point he’s shaking, desperate for food but he really, really doesn’t want to scare her.

“I can’t help you if I can’t fight y’know. Not if y’need t’eat people.” Jaspar is certain this is not a conversation he’s capable of having right now, even if he wanted to. Which he does not.

“Shh, t’s’nough. Let’m eat.” Karger at least has picked up on Jaspar’s distress, but instead of moving away he sits down beside him and gets out a knife. Jaspar watches in grateful fascination as Karger cuts off a slice of leg and hands it to him. “Y’should find th’t easier t’eat lud.” His tone is respectful, but the look in his eyes says “you idiot”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of all of the complaints they could make about his diet, "you're doing it wrong" was the last thing he expected


	5. Not Satisfied

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now Jaspar and his family can all see what he has become.

Jaspar looks down at what remains of the body as he licks his hands clean, and is forced to conclude that there’s not any more he can eat here. Some of the flesh is still there, stubbornly clinging to bones, or too tangled in the bionics for him to be able to extract. But mostly what is left is bones, shattered so he could get the marrow out, and the inedible machinery they’d replaced their leg and part of their torso with. A pity really.

“S’that better lud?” Jaspar nods enthusiastically. He feels good, better than he’s felt in a long time. But the sight of the shards of bone where the body had been scares him. That person had been not quite the same height as him, but had been in considerably better condition. Even without the missing leg, he reckons he’s just eaten at least his own body weight. Of human flesh. In one sitting. And what’s worse…

“I’m still hungry.” He whispers the words, afraid to admit to his family that it was worse, worse than it seemed, worse than it had any right to be. It wasn’t fair, but nothing here was fair, was it? “I feel good, really good. And it’s not as bad as it was but… it’s still there. I’m still hungry. That should have been enough, should have been more than enough. But I’m not full. I’m still… hungry.”

Nikota and Karger exchange worried glances, but they’ve not stopped being worried since he found the body so he’s not quite sure what is meant by it. Then Nikota asks, hesitantly. “So… d’y’need to eat sumun else?” She looks nervous, maybe even afraid. He’s still not used to reading her black eyes so he can’t be sure.

He isn’t able to stop himself from crying this time, even the possibility of her being scared of him is more than he can bear. He crouches down, partly to be closer to her, partly because he just wants to curl up and take up as little space as possible. “No. I don’t need… I’m alright, I’ll be alright.” He sobs, hiding his face between his knees. He doesn’t want them to see him like this either, but he’d rather be seen as a crying idiot on the floor than a monster to be feared. “It’s just- it’s just something I’ll have to get used to. But I don’t want- I’m not going to hurt you. I would never hurt either of you.”

There’s a hand on his shoulder, small arms around his protruding ribcage. Black eyes looking into his own. “We know that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fortunately for him, both Niktota and Karger knew they were raising a lion


End file.
